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Dumpy Dowdy Debbie Downer

November 5, 2010

I feel I need to preface this post by stating the things I am so very grateful for… I have the family I always dreamed of, I have a fantastic job, I have the most awesomest house in San Francisco, I have amazing friends and I have my health. Basically I have everything anyone could ever want, right?

I also have about 40 somethings I really don’t want… pounds. I have no idea how I managed to turn in to this fat ogre, but here I am. Honestly, I am this close to having to pay more for my clothes!

OMG… yes, I am almost that fat!

I am stuck in this horrible shame spiral. I really don’t eat badly. I eat more than I should but I eat waaaaaay better than the average American. To think that I never indulge in quarter pounders or other fatty meat-treats and rarely drink alcohol… I need to know why this beet-and-kale-eater is being punished so!?!

Yes – I need more exercise. I would give anything for that to be something I enjoy, but I don’t. I was really good about getting up early (as in 5:15a early) to walk, but then I sprained my ankle and just haven’t been able to get back at it. I know anything is better than nothing, but walking just doesn’t seem sufficient when you’re a whale like me. I fear exercising at night because my sleep is so fickle. The local sports field is filled with soccer players until late in to the night any way.

I keep telling myself that I will cut out just “X” so I am doing something about it. As soon as I have that thought I am desperate to have X and in massive quantity. The overwhelming feeling of deprivation I get just from making a resolution is frightening. All this is made all the worse when I look at the calendar. I have a wedding in 8 months and I don’t want to be a porker in my pictures. I really really don’t. Even more pressing is that I will need to order a dress well in advance of that and I need to have this situation under control before then.

I think about this constantly and obsess over it. When I do I get desperately hungry. After 17 years of smoking I resolved to not be a bride with a cigarette and after a few bumpy weeks I was done with it. I can party responsibly and infrequently.  Why oh why do I have this horrible relationship with food and a nonexistent relationship with fitness? How can I deal with such addiction issues in some areas of my life and not in others?

My closet has shrunk to 4 dresses, 1 pair of jeans, 2 blouses and maybe 3 t-shirts that fit – marginally. I was never a stylish girl but I’m sitting here at work today without even mascara or earrings. I’ve been wearing the same $6 necklace for 4 months without taking it off.

Living in such a cosmopolitan city every day I see such super stylish women. They all seem so thin and so well accessorized. My buttons are being pulled. My handbags are falling apart. I’ve been wearing the same tired flats for 3 years. I have really bad hair that I can’t do a thing with.

I am drowning is self-pity, cellulite, and clothes from the Walmart sale rack. I just can’t figure how to get out.

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7 comments

  1. Wow….you sound like me. Did you ever get your thyroid tested? It could be a problem. Your Nana had issues with hers…..just a little probe to have it tested….simple blood test.
    Regardless of how you are feeling about yourself right now, just remember that you are LOVED.


  2. Going to the doctor November 18th. I sure hope it’s something as simple as thyroid. It’s really unbelievable how fast I’ve gained so much 😦


  3. I feel your pain and completely sympathize. Yes, of course you will do something about it. When have you ever set out to do something and NOT achieved it? Not in the decade I’ve known you.

    Make a simple plan you can stick with, and if so desired build upon. Walks with Lucas and Scott might be a great start (the beach-rain or shine!), spend a little more time riding if you can find it in your schedule… Once your metabolism is revved up again we’ll once again be tying you to a chair in a vain attempt to keep you still.

    In the meantime cut yourself some slack, try to enjoy this time as you’ll never get it back again. And if I had to guess, your hubby-to-be is lovin’ your curves! xoxo


  4. Hey poodle… thyroid no thyroid… whatever it is… its only 40 pounds and you can loose it…

    You are loved, liked and probably licked on occasion… you are BEAUTIFUL, SMART, super freaking funny and have produced the loveliest most engaging child in the San Francisco/Sacramento area… the weight will come off…

    But, as a fellow wallower, I know that some times you have to sink into the blues a little and wiggle around in it until you are surrounded by disgust for it and then pull yourself up and (as a couple of dazzling women I know say)… PUT ON YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES

    In the meantime… splurge and get yourself a really pretty skirt that can be sized down in a few months when you loose the lbs.

    Love,
    me


  5. I’m right here with Dani. You are SO MANY amazing things, and the weight is just weight and it can and WILL go. I’ll be the first in line to shake my fist with you at the “skinny, healthy” big mac eaters (eff ’em) but in the mean time, I’ll also be right here radiating all the support possible from just a little ways north.

    I think you need some spoiling. And I think you need to get that pedi/buy a new necklace/strap on some new shoes in the spirit of doing something JUST and ONLY for you, because you are so 100% worth spoiling.

    Love and then some,
    – K


  6. […] Fran-sanity … because The City keeps pulling me back « Dumpy Dowdy Debbie Downer Ok – ‘splain to me November 9, 2010 … where the hell I’m going […]


  7. Mom, Chelle, Dani, Kelly… you girls have had my back forEVER… you rule! xoxoxoxox



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