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The more things change…

January 14, 2011

… the more things stay the same.

I will unofficially, tentatively and full of disclaimers say that I now like to exercise. I seem to have pushed past that nebulous point where it may be hard but it is no longer torturous. The last three days has seen me push harder and longer each day. I’m sore in different places but I keep in the forefront of my mind that I will be working out tonight.

Fantastic!

But just as I am conquering one nemesis I am running to the familiar comfort of my BFF.

Food.

While I am so excited to be eating vegan again – I even went and stocked up on some long forgotten favorites yesterday – I am losing whatever tenuous control I had over the hows, whens and whys of our relationship.

I am feeling insecure.

I don’t feel like myself.

Things I need to do have remain undone.

I get mad too easily.

I forgive to slowly.

I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

I’m tired.

I don’t think I even want to have fun.

I feel blue.

So I eat. A lot.

I ate my packed sandwich at 9:30a and I was ravenous again at 11:30a. I thought some fresh air would do me good so I walked. I walked through Chinatown and felt like a stranger in a strange world. Everyone (it seemed) was smoking. Everyone was moving so quickly and talking so fast. Tourists clumsily impeded the frantic flow on the sidewalks. Old men played mahjongg.

This building, meant to be ornate and decorative, was in sad disrepair with peeling paint and tattered signs. Looking like it once was something of beauty, it is now relegated to hawking cheap goods for bargain hunting visitors.

I’m feeling a bit like I too have potential but have allowed myself to fall into disrepair.

So I ate. A lot.

I feel like the things that are close to me are foreign, and the familiar is far away.

Tonight I will put my whole self, again, into the unfamiliar and will push myself harder than I did last night… and hopefully by some divine guidance I’ll find myself . Perhaps this pursuit of change has caused me to ignore the good things I like to do, and that bitch food has stepped up to fill the void of the comforting and familiar.

 

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2 comments

  1. DAMN IT… NOW I’M HUNGRY! THE FIRST PILE OF YUMMY DELICIOUSNESS MAKES ME WANT… YUMMY DILICIOUSNESS.

    Hummm, I wonder… if you deep fried poo… and dipped it in ginger-soy dipping sauce, would it be great?

    The world may never know 🙂


  2. OK all those dishes look amazing. But girl, if you at at 9:30, 11:30 is a good time for a snack. Other than that I totally feel your pain keep on trucking girl one day at a time 😉 It’s funny but is sort of like alcoholics… fellow veggie hug!



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