Archive for the ‘Personal Dramz’ Category

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A fleeting thought about food

February 14, 2013

It’s a popular belief that the EU has higher food standards than the US. GMOs are either banned or must be labeled. Many artificial ingredients are banned.

Yet THIS happened.

100% horse meat in jarred Bolognaise.

Neeeiiiigggghhhh!

Remember when Food Lion was caught remixing their green ground beef and relabeling it as fresh? 

Is there any wonder why I prefer to buy food made of plants – yet defend my friends who hunt? I’m not against meat eating – I am against mass produced meat. Eat less (A LOT less) and this shit will become a rarity.

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Things

January 18, 2013

less

Ironically, I find I am happier when I have less…

Have you ever noticed how your possessions and your habits become you?  They become insidious life-snatchers until you are your wardrobe, your brand new car, your fine taste in single malt Scotch. Or worse… you are that pile of clutter in your bedroom, your debts, your dead-end job.

Periodically life brings to my attention that my shit has gotten out of control – or more specifically, my shit’s gotten control of me. I kicked off the new year by taking inventory of what is important but yesterday I was reminded that it’s not an inventory, it’s life.

There is a lovely, lovely woman in my office who is a few years younger than me. She is smart as a whip and sweet as can be. She just returned from maternity leave and is the most devoted mother to her 3 month old and 3-year-old daughters. She is successful at work and a genuinely nice person. Her 35-year-old husband died yesterday – most likely a heart attack.

If that doesn’t make you really sit back and think about not only what is important – but also ask yourself, “what am I doing about that??” – I don’t know what will.

If today were your last day of life as you know it – was it good? 

Did it fulfill your vision of a good life?

I love my family. The very best days are days spent having fun with two of the sweetest and funniest people I know – the two people I live with. No one plays together like we play together – whether it’s roller coasters, traveling or skiing. We genuinely enjoy being around each other.

The daily grind is a serious damper on fun and I will admit that I am the most susceptible to stress in the house. If it’s not fun, I can be difficult to be around. I am “intense”, rigid and painfully direct when I am not on vacation mode. I know this must suck for my family and I can only hope that they know that it really comes from a place of “ohmygod I just want to be having fun with them!!!” I am annoyed with life, not them, but I don’t think they know that.

Less is More

This is my new mantra. I promise myself that I will say this before I shoot off my mouth. 

… Because if today was the last day of life as they know it, would I really want to be Dragon Lady stressed over the clutter pile? Or would I want to be Loving Wife and Mother?

Servicing the things in my life causes me stress. The only two things that are really important are named Scott and Haley. Well, and Lucas and Fiona.

This weekend is going to be busy with the horse show – but I plan on taking advantage of the extra day off to see some City sights and divest myself of some things…

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Steering

January 16, 2013

 

steer

Yes – I am steering  and attempting to change course. 

Stay tuned.

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Quitter

January 15, 2013

I didn’t foresee it, but I feel like I’ve taken on a de facto new year’s resolution:  quitting Facebook.

It feels a lot like quitting smoking.

If you are a heavy user like myself, posting becomes a nasty habit that you do even though it may not be good for you or your relationships.  You give your smart phone more of your attention than the real world.

Everyone knows that I stand for social justice, the welfare of ALL animals and not just my pets, that I think we should have universal healthcare and that I think Grumpy Cat and Ermergherd are the funniest memes ever.  It frustrates me that fewer and fewer people really respect marriages and boundaries when it comes to the cutie from high school. And, really, it breaks my heart to see so many people bearing arms in their profile pictures in the wake of innocent children being slaughtered at school by the same such weapon.

I am suffering from overshare. 

People know too much yet absolutely nothing about me.

And vice versa. 

The worst part about frequent Facebooking is that it siphons off the really interesting things in my life that do deserve more introspection. I love to write and ramble and think. Blogging takes planning and care and observation and thought. Facebook depletes my blog material (how shallow!)

Readers that read my blathering here choose to do so because they want to hear what’s really going on. They care about the minutiae of my life as much as I do. They navigate here or subscribe, not just because I happened to be a schoolmate or they like to argue with me or they know I’ve always got a Grumpy Cat posted. People choose to stop by and have a peek into my life rather than me vomiting my life up in their newsfeed. Or – even better – they’ve come here because the Google machines told them I can provide the information for which they are searching!

Google:  more validating than a thousand “likes!”

It’s odd to look at my phone and see no Facebook, Facebook Messenger or Friendcaster icons. It’s odd to see all the cars in my neighborhood covered in frost, whip out my phone and then remind myself, “no one really cares that there’s actually hard frost in San Francisco.” It was lovely to doze off on the train into work this morning. Tomorrow I plan on… *GASP* … reading.

I haven’t deactivated my account and don’t really plan to. If, after a decent time of no logging in at all, I can become a casual poster I may venture on occasionally. If not I will just shut it down.

That which doesn’t make my life better should not be in it. 

Due to this same feeling of overload I have sworn off 24 hour news. It’s all too much – yet all too little. 

So – guess what I bought without a lot of planning and marinating and shopping around from 100,000 different online outlets!?!  CURTAINS.  Yes, decor posts are on their way!! I won’t subject you to deep thoughts all the time 😀

And I CAN’T RESIST – HARD FROST – IN SAN FRANCISCO!!

frost

hey… who said quitting was easy??

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The numbers and the disconnect

May 23, 2011

Number of miles I have run in the month of May:  31.92

Number of miles I have run since I began running:  43.37 (5 weeks)

Number of days I have been religiously logging my calories and exercise:  76

Number of pounds lost:  22

I have been feeling so good and fit and healthy – really for the first time in my life.  It’s not that I’ve never been thin or in decent shape – I have been way too skinny at times and have had a six-pack and serious guns – I just never worked at it before.  I work out regularly and I crave exercise now.  I have had to buy new smaller pants and my wedding dress is having to be altered down by a HUGE amount.

I’ve been pretty proud of myself.

Then I saw a picture of myself yesterday… and it’s amazing how fast all of the above numbers can be wiped out.  No amount of numbers offsets the lumps and bumps and dumpiness I see in my “skinny” jeans. 

I guess that the upside is that I actually contemplated calling in sick to work so I could exercise all day, instead of feeling like saying, “fuck it – I’m eating.

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Clearing the way…

April 19, 2011

If you’ve been reading this tripe blog for a while you will know that I love going to the dump. Unloading massive amounts of dead weight from your life frees you up to move forward.

Last night I needed to find the last of my tax forms to file my taxes.  I waited until the last possible minute to do them because I needed to dig through the dunes of paperwork that has accumulated during the moves of last year. It was something I was having trouble steeling myself to undertake.

You know, I have a problem with that… when a task seems quite huge, I run and hide. Then, in my head, the task keeps growing and growing like some helium filled unconquerable monster until I feel like no human in the world (and most especially not I) can finish said task. Ever.

As the kitchen clock tick-tocked-tick-tocked (and it did not stop) I sat down at the table armed with paper bags, my trusty shredder, a dozen piles and two overstuffed boxes. If I was gonna start looking for the one 1099 I was gonna go through it all.

Perhaps this all or nothing approach contributes to my slacking procrastinating… hmmmm. I think I’ll choose to pretend I didn’t just have that revelation 😉

In the end the massive hoard was reduced to these perfectly managable file-piles.  As soon as I walk in the door they will all be slipped in to manila folders and nestled in the file cabinet.

Believe it or not, there is order there! (Note the blue tape used to keep the bulging tote closed. Yeah, you’ve really got your shit in a pile when you resort to such tactics!)

Outside, the recycle bin is now over half full. Yes, it’s one of the super big recycle bins. And, yes, it didn’t have a damn thing in it before last night.

Filling the recycle bin isn’t quite as thrilling as an outing to the landfill, but it was still pretty awesome.

And you know what? Honestly, it took me less than 2 hours. TWO HOURS. So much for the unconquerable monster theory…

Some of the crap I unloaded has been following me since we left the Avenues – last minutes bills hastily packed on my way out the door that never saw the light of day again.

Really – who doesn’t pay all their stuff online any way? And why can’t I make paper bills go away entirely??

Away went all the paper reminders of the debacle that was 2009… away went a bunch of unread magazines that I never got around to… away went random useless receipts… away went 401k statements that said the same thing month after month (You have $3.58 in your account – close it out for good you jackass!)… away went things I couldn’t find because now I know where they are.

No longer is there a massive pile on the table or in my head… I have cleared the path to breathing easier and focusing on the next thing that I will blow all out of proportion only to find that it really didn’t take that long after all. Ha!

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Submitting to retail therapy – against my will

November 19, 2010

Shopping, oh how I hate thee! Let me count the ways!

I am sitting here in a completely empty office in the dark save for the one light in my cube. The only sound is the soft whirrrrr of my computer fan and the HVAC. It is very calm and peaceful and I kind of wish it were like this all the time.

To add to my morning zen I actually put 2 minutes of thought in to my outfit. I am accessorized. I’m having a good hair day. I even managed to put on perfume! (Yes, Rae, the French whore perfume)

And, thanks to The Man who insisted, I have $300 cash waiting patiently in my wallet for a shopping trip this afternoon.

Cue anxiety attack!

Seriously. My stomach is in knots at just the thought of stepping foot in stores and – even worse – trying on clothes.

But as I admitted to The Man as he was delivering me to the front door of my office, I’ll never improve my self image if I’m always feeling like I am wearing sausage casings.

My wardrobe has become incredibly limited and I have stubbornly refused to buy fat clothes. I am cheap and I don’t want to admit I’m not a size 6… 8…. or 10 *ACK!!!* any more.  It’s hard to get out from under the wet blanket of self-loathing when there’s nothing you can put on to make you feel good about yourself.

So I am going to do that thing that I hate most in life… I am going to shop. My strategy is this:  a few multi-use pieces, mostly in black, with lots of colorful accessories. Hopefully I’ll soon be able to ditch the fat clothes and I’ll still have a lot of cute accessories. Then I will go home and purge my closet of all but a few things that don’t fit. No more reminders of what size I was.

Wish me luck.

Oh… on a happy note here is another smidgeon of  progress on the home front.

You may remember this picture from the first day we were in our house. We took a LOT of crap on Facebook for our sexy TV stand (and blow up mattress and cardboard dining table) even though our real furniture wouldn’t arrive for a few more days.

Confession:  that was still our TV stand until last weekend. Actually it was another tote higher! HAHA

That’s fixed now with a much more practical solution…

p.s. I got another 10 straws done last night! At this rate I may have a lamp shade before the world ends in December of 2012!

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Urban Legend: fish are calming

April 29, 2010

Whoever thought fish were supposed to be a calming influence clearly have not walked a mile in my shoes.

Last year I got The Child a beautiful betta fish – a blue one, of course, due to her obsession with the color blue. We named him Aqua (very original, I know, so kindly STFU). He started off to be a nice enough little chap. He’d follow you around the tank, seemingly in to “hanging out” and interacting.

Then we moved. And his food got lost in the shuffle.

Dreamboat (Scott, for those of you out of the loop) babysat him for a week or so and tried to give him the flake food he feeds his oscar. Aqua was not amused. He went on a hunger strike.

When we brought him to our house we picked up some betta food, thinking he’d go back to his happy, eating, interacting self. FAIL. He’d suck in a little nugget and immediately spit it out and look at me like I was the biggest jackass on the planet.

I don’t take kindly to being rebuffed by surly fish. It was expensive betta food and he damn well better learn to love it!

He finally relented, though I think his prolonged starvation has taken its toll. Either he’s developed a vision problem or he’s manipulating me. I have a strong suspicion it’s the latter. Now he hangs out in the upper corner of his tank (his “feed me” spot), and when I drop a little nugget in the water he does one of two frustrating things: he’ll flee as if I’m showering him with lighting bolts; or he hovers within millimeters of the floating tidbit until I wiggle it even closer to him with my finger – literally forcing me to spoon feed him. He may eat one or four nuggets before he decides, again, that it’s no longer food – it’s lightning bolts.

High maintenence little bastard.

When Dreamboat asked if he could put his koi in the fountain in our garden I thought that was a nifty idea! Koi! They are cool and all zen-ny just by virtue of their folkloric (is that a word?) reputation.

When he dumped them in the fountain I was excited as they were big and beautiful! There’s one gray and white one that reminds me of some prehistoric monster-skeleton-y thing; and two orange, black and white ones that are just plain pretty.

The process of capturing them from their large pond, spending a whole day in a bucket in the car, and getting unceremoniously dumped in to our admittedly scuzzy fountain was an understandably stressful day for them. I spent lots of time that day worrying that they were too stressed. Was the gray one listing to one side? Were the spotted ones even moving?? Already I was investing too much emotion in three fish, but being an animal lover I am terrified of anything dying on my watch.

Eventually they perked up and deemed sufficiently strong ( in my expert opinion) for me to quit worrying. (Except for worrying that one of the neighborhood raccoons would make sushi of them – but that’s nature so I can deal with it. Kind of.)

Excitedly I decided it was time to feed them. OMG have you seen big hotels with koi fish and how they practically leap out of the water to gobble up their vittles? These fish are flashy show-offs who dazzle you with their food-guzzling bravado! And now I was going to have that spectacular-ness in my own back yard! Perhaps I should sell tickets!!

Wrong.

Why? Because now these are “my” fish. And apparently my fish all have eating disorders. And my koi fish also are all Emo. Seeing them in our rather small fountain is like seeing Sasquatch. The three of them spend all their time hiding under the fountain because the world is clearly too sad for them to be in and my love is just not enough.

... because the other two little bastards are hiding

(No they are not yet raccoon sushi. When I turn on the water pump they are forced out of their mopey-hidey place and I can see that their sorry asses are still alive.)

So, in summary, fish are supposed to be all relaxing but my fish make me angry.

FML

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Changes are afoot

April 19, 2010

If you know me at all you know that I love me some mani-pedi action. Fake nails are not my bag – I prefer them short and shiny. But I’m also not very adventurous when it comes to color. If it’s not OPI “Kinky in Helsinki” or “I’m Not Really a Waitress”, I probably haven’t worn it. I’m a creature of red, sparkly habit.

Habit hasn’t served me too well – especially in the last year. Big, often uncomfortable, gestures seem to be what’s needed of late. This evenings’ color selection was deigned by the universe.

Baby steps … I’m takin’ em.

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Boomerangs

April 19, 2010

There is something about The City that keeps pulling me back. Perhaps this is where I belong, or more likely where I was, was not.

For the immediate future The Child and I are nestled snugly in the loving embrace of Pacific Heights. It has been not only a return home but a return to sanity, to a time-tested (and mother approved!) support network, to prospects, and to positivity.

Sometimes you make decisions without having all the information. Sometimes it works out, and other times you find it was a mistake. Righting the wrong can be painful and leave you scarred, but sometimes it’s necessary. The reward for endurance can be a thousandfold the price. You can’t remain in a void and progress.

So I chose life. I chose a future, which is turning out to be more than I ever would imagined.

I have friends…

Fiona has friends…

And I have love… lots of it.

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Hold please

January 29, 2009

I am tidying up loose ends at work today… my last day will be a very brief one…  tomorrow!  After lunch with the office ladies I will be running home just in time to meet Rae Rae, pick up The Child, and go to Willits. 

*contented sigh*

I’ll be back next week, though, so dont’t you worry your pretty little heads.  Have a superduperfanfreakingtastic weekend!

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Dream Job No. 1: First Decorator

January 21, 2009

Dear President Obama,

You need help with those white walls and that blaaaaaaaaand color palette.  I’m your girl.

xoxo

Emily

p.s.  I just love saying “President Obama”

p.p.s.  I promise I won’t hit on your Chief of Staff there, even though he’s kind of cute 😀

photo from HuffPo

photo from HuffPo

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So, it’s 2009

January 12, 2009

Yeah, yeah…  I know.  I’ve been a total slacker.  It’s not without reason, though!

Christmas was lovely, and New Years Eve started off the year in typical insane SF style.  First a “respectable” NYE party…  It was held in a furniture showroom (c’mon!  how perfect!!) that had been cleared out for the occasion.  Of course the kitchen installations along the walls remained so Rae and I were compelled to play Vanna White and demonstrate their bad-ass-itude.

 

After a disco nap and much trying on of Steve B’s Burning Man attire… then it was out to “Breakfast of Champions” – at 5:00am!  (Yes, 5 in the morning).  It was a SF Freak Fest of the highest order and I was Queen for a Day!  At least it felt like it.  Steve B and I held court in our matching tutu’s 😀 (yes, we planned that)

 

Ahhh… I love my crazy friends!

It was a tough adjustment going back to work:  I was off since before Christmas.  Even though I had been living the life of leisure I was having a ridiculous time sleeping.  Of course people who don’t sleep well also have a propensity for being overweight and I’ve also been packing on the pounds 😦 On NYE one of my dear friends – who shall remain nameless because they meant no offense – said I was a “beautiful, thick woman”  WHAAAA???  OMG – what happened to the days when people suspected me of binging and purging because I was sooooo skinny?  People used to say I was “tiny” – now I’m “thick”?  SHOOT ME.  NOW.

So…  I finally manned-up and went to the Doctor about not sleeping and I got the third degree about why a new patient would be seeing a doctor to get sleeping pills (shocking, huh?)  He was pretty intimidating and I don’t really blame him.  I’m sure I’m not the first semi-normal looking yahoo that’s waltzed in to his office looking for a scrip.  Whilst being interrogated about why I was looking for sleeping pills it totally slipped my mind to bring up the fact that my stomach has been killing me since my birthday.  Not surprisingly the day after I see a doctor about my insomnia I end up at the Acute Care Center at UCSF doubled over in agonizing pain.  (FYI – UCSF rules!  Go there if you’re sick and in SF!)  After 2 weeks off work I ended up taking almost another 2 days off last week while I was high as a kite on Percocet 😛

The good news is that the meds they gave me for my stomach are working finally.  And just as good is that I lost 7 pounds last week!  HAHA  Well, if you can’t find the silver lining what’s the point, right?  Yesterday Haley and I did Tai Chi AND walked, and this morning I got my well-rested ass out of bed at 6am (yes SIX!) and walked again – though much more vigorously without The Child.  We now have a pact that we must walk after dinner every night in order to earn our 40 calorie frozen juice bar.  I’m also obsessively measuring and counting everything.  I am challenging myself to see how much I can drop before my trip to Colorado next month.  I *am* eating right and exercising so STFU if you feel the urge to get all up in my business about that 😛

Seemingly 2009 was off to a relatively decent start – time off, addressed health issues, addressed the horrifying numbers on my scale… except for one thing.

While I was on the phone to the Help Nurse who suggested my trip to UCSF about my stomach, my boss tapped me on the shoulder and told me to meet him in one of the conference rooms when I got off the phone.  I work for an investment bank – I’m sure you can see the handwriting on the wall, can’t you?  He was waiting there for me with the personnel lady.  We had the talk that countless numbers have had lately.  Economic downturn… blah blah… reduction in workforce… blah blah…  your hours are going to be cut in half… blah… WHAT?  Yeah…  I’m getting put on half-time as of Feb. 1st.  Maybe…  I also have the option of cutting my hours to zero.

2009 blew in on a technicolor whirlwind, but now I’m left to ponder just what I am going to do.  Every crazy thought imaginable has crossed my mind and I can’t deny that most of them revolve around me being sick and tired of being sick and tired doing office work.  It sucks to be a victim of your own skills.  I am very employable in an office and I make decent money doing it – but I’m not happy.  It’s nice to be able to travel and buy a new sofa, but on a daily basis I feel like I’m just frittering my life away.

I’ve got lots to think about…  I’ll try to be better at posting but it’s likely to be my ruminations on my future, and unless you enjoy being a voyeur to someone’s not-too-interesting life, it probably won’t be too thrilling.  Hopefully the wit and charm you’ve grown to expect on this here blog – SHHH! 😛 – will return sooner rather than later!

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Maggie Update

December 17, 2008
-P

Maggie and her guilty pleasure, blanket sucking 😛

 

 IT’S NOT CANCER!

Still waiting for official diagnosis, but it’s not cancer and that’s all that matters!

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As if the economy weren’t enough to worry about

December 16, 2008

… Now I’ve got loved ones to pray for, too.

First up:  Miss Maggie Jones

My four-legged “sister” had to have surgery unexpectedly yesterday for a mass growing deep in her shoulder.  We are all on the edge of our seats awaiting test results from the ugly alien grossness that was removed. 

Maggie and The Child

Maggie and The Child

And next:  Another family member – this time of the two-legged variety.

Without broadcasting someone else’s health issues, I just wanted to mention that I’m sending my “good test” vibes her way.  I’m hoping that this time it really isn’t something to worry about.

**HUGS**

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Eureka! It has been found!

December 8, 2008

Even though I personally searched the school grounds, every square inch of the house, called the school district and the bus company… the violin HAS BEEN FOUND! 

Funny enough, my 2nd riding student ever just so happens to be the dispatcher for the SF school busses.  I called her last week and left a message for her.  Well, she went and talked to the bus driver, who loves her, and he said “OH!  That’s HALEY’S?”   Luckily he’s been holding it under lock and key – and not where they usually hold lost items.  Thank God for my friends in odd places!

Haley and her violin will be reunited this afternoon.  How much do you want to bet that will never happen again?

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For once it’s not my fault!

December 5, 2008

For the first time in recent memory Haley has lost something – and it isn’t lost because I took it away!  When she “loses” things they are BIG:  Nintendo DS, her laptop, Webkinz, TV for extended periods…  And the maddening thing is that once she’s had a cry about it, she’s over it like it never even existed.  (Great “punishment”, eh?)

But last night when she was getting her school bag ready for the morning so realized something was missing – and she LOST it.  Not only is it something she loves, it is something with which she has set a goal for herself with zero pressure from me.  Really, that’s a first.  I’ve been waiting and waiting for her to find something she was really In To, all on her own.

And you know what?  For once I feel sorry for her.  We have looked high and low for it and it is nowhere to be found.  My budget has no room for replacing it any time soon. 😦

becker_violin

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F*ck you, Friday!

October 24, 2008

This morning Haley missed the school bus because she took her stupid pirate book and not her violin.  (Goodbye pirate book)

Had to take a $10 cab.

As I am reaching in to my purse I notice it’s wet inside.  The cat fucking pissed in my $500 purse (it was a gift, so STFU) and everything is soaked.

Have to overdraw myself to pay for cab.

The 48 was nowhere to be seen so I walked 5 blocks to the L.

10 blocks in to my ride, the doors on the train wouldn’t shut so we all got kicked off.

20 minutes later I take the next (late) L.  That train is REALLY slow due to the disabled train ahead of us (the one with the broken doors)

I get to work now almost an hour late.  I left home TWO HOURS AGO.

I get to hand delete text fragments AGAIN from over 4000 cells in a spreadsheet.  I did it before and someone else fucked up the file.

Oh yeah – I’m still reeling from the $9,596.00 bill I received yesterday.  That is what it’s going to cost me to save 7 of my teeth.  Yes, they are all in the front of my mouth.  Only then can we address the other 5 that are already missing and the braces I need AGAIN.

Happy Fucking Friday – Whoop De Fucking Do

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OMG! Action! In my neighborhood!!

October 14, 2008

I can assure you the venue was purely coincidental, and is certainly not indicative of some hidden Sunset seedy underbelly.  The crime blotter for our district is full of rice rockets with stolen rims and stereos.  Most drama is confined to the subject of tourists and Bridge-n-Tunnel people getting acquainted with the undertow at Ocean Beach.

Man shot to death in car in S.F.’s Sunset District

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

(10-14) 10:09 PDT SAN FRANCISCO — A man was shot and killed in a car in San Francisco’s Sunset District, police said today.

The victim, whose name was not immediately released, was found with numerous gunshot wounds in a car at the southeast corner of 17th Avenue and Noriega Street at about 11 p.m. Monday, police said. He was pronounced dead at the scene.

No arrests have been reported in the killing, the 88th homicide in San Francisco this year. The circumstances that led to the shooting are under investigation.

The block where the killing happened is a typical Sunset District neighborhood – mainly two-story, single-family homes that are attached. None of the residents interviewed today said they knew who the shooting victim was.

The woman who lives in the house by where the victim’s car was found said she had heard several “pops” that she first thought was the sound of “a car sputtering up the hill.”

“This neighborhood is a very safe neighborhood. I never worry about walking late at night, but maybe I should,” said the woman, who asked not to be identified by name.

Devin Chisholm, who lives down the street from where the man was slain, said he had heard four shots but hadn’t immediately looked outside because “I thought it was a neighbor setting off fireworks.”When he looked out the window, he saw eight police cars on the street and officers picking through garbage cans and shrubs, apparently looking for a gun.

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If I have pissed you off…

September 29, 2008

… rest assured, the Universe just kicked my ass for you.

I just totally biffed it on the last step coming down the escaltor.  Wearing 3.5″ heels.  I twisted my ankle something fierce, it’s swelling, and I feel something grindy going on in there.

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